Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Walk

As some of you may know, I attended and graduated from Indiana State University (ISU). I’m not going to wax poetic about my college career or ISU’s campus or anything like that. But, the one thing that ISU does have that I will support until the end of time is a little thing called “The Walk”.
                “The Walk” is an annual bar crawl that happened before the homecoming football game. Students wake up as early as 6am to drunkenly weave their way down Wabash Ave. while hitting every bar between campus and the football stadium for a drink or five. It is much like Purdue University’s breakfast club or any number of other bar crawls around the country.
                It's a big deal to ISU and to Terre Haute. In general it seems that ISU students love it and that the townspeople of Terre Haute would rather burn their bibles and participate in homosexual fornication while experimenting with intravenous drug use than allow this tradition to continue.
                One article in the local newspaper, the Tribune Star, was written by a Mrs. Creasy and had some slightly venomous thoughts about how “The Walk” affects Terre Haute and its inhabitants. Please check her article out: http://tribstar.com/flashpoint/x231067133/Flashpoint-Terre-Haute-needs-an-alternative-to-ISU-s-walk
              My good friend Barstool Theory has already written a rebuttal (check it out here: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fbarstooltheory.blogspot.com%2F2010%2F10%2Fisu-homecoming-walk-is-ours-not-yours.html&h=a25e1). The following is my response.
Dear Mrs. Creasy,
                You’re wrong.
                In order to make sure that I don’t miss anything let’s just take your column in order and itemize the things you’re wrong about.
1)      You’re right about homecoming being about supporting the Sycamores. Granted, it can also be annoying sitting next to someone at a sporting event that is rip-roaring drunk (unless you’ve also had a few too many glasses of White Zin). My question to you would be how often are you out there “supporting the Sycamores” on days that aren’t homecoming? What’s the average attendance at an ISU football game? Almost none. I say that anything that gets people to the stadium is a good thing and not to be sneered at.
2)      You then attempt to blame alcoholism on participation in “The Walk”. HAHAHAHAHA Really?! It’s “The Walk” that causes alcoholism? I’d say more alcoholism is caused by overbearing uber-religious, repressed households than any amount of partying in the U.S. Alcoholics drink before work, not before football games.
3)      You look down upon “designated walkers” but not on designated drivers? What’s the difference? People have realized that the students (and older people) who participate in “The Walk” are going to do it whether you approve or not, so they may as well try to make it as safe as possible. I bet you’re one of those people who think giving condoms out to high school kids is a bad idea because it promotes casual sex.  THEY’RE GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY. COME TO TERMS WITH IT AND MAKE IT S SAFE AS YOU CAN.
4)      Why did you separate Christians from other non-drinkers? Do no Christians drink? Are Muslims or Jews allowed to come to your anti-drinking, anti-fun rally? Do you realize that just by putting that little line in your article you ruin your credibility for anyone who’s not a devout Christian, closed-minded, or under the age of 60?
5)      Also, just as a point of clarification, the participants in “The Walk” aren’t kids. They are at least 21 years old and often much older. Referring to them as kids is degrading and misrepresentative. These are young (and sometimes not so young) adults. Old enough to drink, old enough to fight in Iraq, old enough to get married, and old enough to ignore you.
6)      You cite the legal problems as costing the city tons of money. Arrests and tickets from people who are screwing around on the walk don’t cost the city money. They make the city money. Where do you think a fine for public intoxication goes? It goes to the city. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands of dollars ISU’s homecoming and “The Walk” bring to the local business of Terre Haute. The bars and clothing stores and whatnot all make money which then turns back into revenue for the city through purchases by the owners and employees of those establishments. Also, there’s tons of money the city collects in taxes off of all these sales. The Copper Bar gives more money back to your beloved city than your church does.
7)      I can assure you that if you try to block people from entering the bars the morning of “The Walk” that the bartenders are not going to “appreciate support and interest in the welfare of the students.” You’d be taking money directly out of their pockets. Imagine how you’d feel if I came in and took all your bingo winnings.
In general, your small minded approach to ISU’s best (and only real) tradition is the reason that Terre Haute isn’t moving up in the world. Maybe if you wouldn’t have dropped out of ISU, you’d realize that. It’s the mindset that it is your job to correct the morality of people keeps your city stuck in the middle ages.
Sincerely,
Cody
ISU Graduate 2007

I’m not going to go over all the great things “The Walk” can do for the city. I wrote an article about it for ISU’s newspaper a couple of years ago (click here if you’re interested: http://www.indianastatesman.com/2.3880/two-statesman-staff-members-weigh-in-on-their-favorite-isu-traditions-1.454433). I just want Mrs. Creasy to come down off of her high horse a little bit and attempt to live in the real world for a few minutes.  So, Mrs. Creasy, I have a big old middle finger salute to you and your bible thumping, morality police ways.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Fantasy Football Commandments

Ahhh, fall. The time of year when school starts back up, leaves fall off the trees and the horribly muggy Indiana summer weather finally subsides.

Yes, it's a great time of year, especially for sports fans. Major League Baseball is in full swing and gearing up for the playoffs, and the NFL season is just about to get started. Of course, with the dawn of a new NFL season comes the heartbreaks and jubilation of, you guessed it, fantasy football.

I am far from immune to the siren's call of drafting that running back in the 15th round that you're just sure is going to take over the starting role and become the reincarnation of Walter Payton. And the Odysseus style lamentation when it turns out that he's on the 4th string for a reason.

Every year It seems like the fantasy draft looms huge on my calendar as a day where friends gather to reminisce and tell stories of their triumphs and failures alike, to make excuses for last year's performance and to brag about their impending domination.

Grown men and women sit in a friend's living room and find nothing else to talk about except the potential value of each player in the league and the explicit things they claim to have done with each other's wives/sisters/mothers/girlfriends.

So, I got to thinking about this year's draft and what players I am going to draft and how I plan to embarrass all my friends by going 16-0 while dominating the league, thus proving my superiority in all things. Especially since I just won the championship in my fantasy baseball league. Thank you Troy Tulowitzki.

My buddy Joe and I were debating points and player slots, and whether or not receptions should count for points, when we got to discussing the rules of the draft.

In the interest of avoiding bloodshed and ruined friendships, I felt it was my journalistic duty to compose a list of rules that everyone should follow in every fantasy draft around the world:

I: Be prepared
Come prepared for your draft with lists of players and rankings, as well as a list of who you want to acquire in which round and keep track of who's been drafted. This will keep you from trying to draft Tom Brady in round 15 when he's obviously been taken hours ago.

II: Watch the clock
The NFL draft has a time clock, and so should every fantasy draft. Owners should respect the clock and not take more than the allotted minute or two. This keeps the draft moving and everyone interested. I know it's a tough decision between David Tyree and Sage Rosenfels in the 17th round. But come on! You can make it in less than two minutes.

III: Know the rules
You should know the rules of your league before the draft. Don't be the guy in the corner pouting because he didn't know that passing TDs were only worth four points or that there is no slot for a third kicker.

IV: Be there
If you're going to participate in a fantasy draft, it is crucial that you're at the fantasy draft. Your friends can't be responsible for trying to draft you the best player available. And if you attempt to put them in that position, you deserve to have David Carr as your starting quarterback.

V: Don't be a homer
There is always one guy who spends every draft pick he can on the players from his favorite team. You just can't win with a roster full of Bears; the Bears can't even win that way.

VI: Bring your money
My broke ass friends and I rarely have a league that costs more than $20 per person because, well, we're broke. And it is monumentally annoying having to chase down the one jackass who didn't pay so that the league champion can get his payout.

Final Word:
These rules aren't difficult and are mostly common sense. Follow them if you want to avoid becoming "that guy." I'd hate to see fantasy football ruin a 20-year friendship, but it will, and it has. Follow the rules and you'll be doing the Ickey Shuffle all over your friends in no time. Good luck in all of your drafts; you can thank me later.

My Very First Blog

Hello to all of you unfortunate enough to have stumbled upon my blog site. I am appreciative that you've paused the Internet porn and put down the Jergens long enough to read this (assuming you've made it this far even without any celeb up-skirt pictures). I've ventured into the uncharted waters of Internet blogging so that you may all be blessed with the awesomeness that is Cody Morris. I know what you're thinking and yes I really am that cutting edge.

A little about me:
If you read the above paragraph then you've probably cleverly figured out that my name is Cody Morris. I somewhat recently graduated from Indiana State University with a degree in English. I am living in Indianapolis with my girlfriend and am currently looking for my next failed foray into the world of full-time employment. I am an avid sports fan. I love my Colts, Red Sox, and recently have started watching the St. Louis Blues. I don't watch NASCAR because it's a dumb sport and I'm not an NBA fan either. I'm a liberal thinker who doesn't believe that premarital sex is a bad idea at all. I have a dog named Loki that I love very much and who has eaten most of everything I've ever owned.

I'm 26 years old, 6'5", slightly chubby, with hazel eyes. I enjoy long walks on the beach and relaxing to Dido's greatest hits. My favorite color is blue, I like to cook, and my favorite food is lasagna. Anything else you need to know?

Don't get your hopes up that this is going to be a deep, intellectual blog about philosophy and human nature. It's just going to be me making sex jokes and movie references while bitching about sports, and pop culture, and anything else I can think of. If I'm in a really good mood or really drunk, you may get something partially relevant, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Disclaimer: I will use profanity. I will use sarcasm. I will make sex jokes. I will make obscure movie and TV references. I will attempt to use my brain. If any of these things offend you, you may be better served sitting with your thumb up your ass and jerking off to the latest pictures of Snooki while listening to the newest Lady Gaga CD because "you're literally to stupid to insult." (see what I did there?)

It has been brought to my attention by a few of my friends that, while I'm sitting around on the couch working my unemployment muscles, I could be multi-tasking by attempting to practice the use of my so-called college degree. So, the following is that attempt.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to use the comment section. I should warn you, that unless you are telling me how great I am or saying something really stupid you're probably going to get ignored. But, if you have a valid point I'd be happy to mock your opinion while belittling your intelligence.

Don't bother correcting me on spelling or grammatical errors. It's a blog, not a term paper. I don't care and you need to get laid.

Well I think that about covers it for my very first blog. I'm giddy with anticipation at all the potential responses and google search hits. I should be a millionaire by next Tuesday.

Night all, look forward to talking to you again soon.