The Fantasy Football Commandments

Ahhh, fall. The time of year when school starts back up, leaves fall off the trees and the horribly muggy Indiana summer weather finally subsides.

Yes, it's a great time of year, especially for sports fans. Major League Baseball is in full swing and gearing up for the playoffs, and the NFL season is just about to get started. Of course, with the dawn of a new NFL season comes the heartbreaks and jubilation of, you guessed it, fantasy football.

I am far from immune to the siren's call of drafting that running back in the 15th round that you're just sure is going to take over the starting role and become the reincarnation of Walter Payton. And the Odysseus style lamentation when it turns out that he's on the 4th string for a reason.

Every year It seems like the fantasy draft looms huge on my calendar as a day where friends gather to reminisce and tell stories of their triumphs and failures alike, to make excuses for last year's performance and to brag about their impending domination.

Grown men and women sit in a friend's living room and find nothing else to talk about except the potential value of each player in the league and the explicit things they claim to have done with each other's wives/sisters/mothers/girlfriends.

So, I got to thinking about this year's draft and what players I am going to draft and how I plan to embarrass all my friends by going 16-0 while dominating the league, thus proving my superiority in all things. Especially since I just won the championship in my fantasy baseball league. Thank you Troy Tulowitzki.

My buddy Joe and I were debating points and player slots, and whether or not receptions should count for points, when we got to discussing the rules of the draft.

In the interest of avoiding bloodshed and ruined friendships, I felt it was my journalistic duty to compose a list of rules that everyone should follow in every fantasy draft around the world:

I: Be prepared
Come prepared for your draft with lists of players and rankings, as well as a list of who you want to acquire in which round and keep track of who's been drafted. This will keep you from trying to draft Tom Brady in round 15 when he's obviously been taken hours ago.

II: Watch the clock
The NFL draft has a time clock, and so should every fantasy draft. Owners should respect the clock and not take more than the allotted minute or two. This keeps the draft moving and everyone interested. I know it's a tough decision between David Tyree and Sage Rosenfels in the 17th round. But come on! You can make it in less than two minutes.

III: Know the rules
You should know the rules of your league before the draft. Don't be the guy in the corner pouting because he didn't know that passing TDs were only worth four points or that there is no slot for a third kicker.

IV: Be there
If you're going to participate in a fantasy draft, it is crucial that you're at the fantasy draft. Your friends can't be responsible for trying to draft you the best player available. And if you attempt to put them in that position, you deserve to have David Carr as your starting quarterback.

V: Don't be a homer
There is always one guy who spends every draft pick he can on the players from his favorite team. You just can't win with a roster full of Bears; the Bears can't even win that way.

VI: Bring your money
My broke ass friends and I rarely have a league that costs more than $20 per person because, well, we're broke. And it is monumentally annoying having to chase down the one jackass who didn't pay so that the league champion can get his payout.

Final Word:
These rules aren't difficult and are mostly common sense. Follow them if you want to avoid becoming "that guy." I'd hate to see fantasy football ruin a 20-year friendship, but it will, and it has. Follow the rules and you'll be doing the Ickey Shuffle all over your friends in no time. Good luck in all of your drafts; you can thank me later.

My Very First Blog

Hello to all of you unfortunate enough to have stumbled upon my blog site. I am appreciative that you've paused the Internet porn and put down the Jergens long enough to read this (assuming you've made it this far even without any celeb up-skirt pictures). I've ventured into the uncharted waters of Internet blogging so that you may all be blessed with the awesomeness that is Cody Morris. I know what you're thinking and yes I really am that cutting edge.

A little about me:
If you read the above paragraph then you've probably cleverly figured out that my name is Cody Morris. I somewhat recently graduated from Indiana State University with a degree in English. I am living in Indianapolis with my girlfriend and am currently looking for my next failed foray into the world of full-time employment. I am an avid sports fan. I love my Colts, Red Sox, and recently have started watching the St. Louis Blues. I don't watch NASCAR because it's a dumb sport and I'm not an NBA fan either. I'm a liberal thinker who doesn't believe that premarital sex is a bad idea at all. I have a dog named Loki that I love very much and who has eaten most of everything I've ever owned.

I'm 26 years old, 6'5", slightly chubby, with hazel eyes. I enjoy long walks on the beach and relaxing to Dido's greatest hits. My favorite color is blue, I like to cook, and my favorite food is lasagna. Anything else you need to know?

Don't get your hopes up that this is going to be a deep, intellectual blog about philosophy and human nature. It's just going to be me making sex jokes and movie references while bitching about sports, and pop culture, and anything else I can think of. If I'm in a really good mood or really drunk, you may get something partially relevant, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Disclaimer: I will use profanity. I will use sarcasm. I will make sex jokes. I will make obscure movie and TV references. I will attempt to use my brain. If any of these things offend you, you may be better served sitting with your thumb up your ass and jerking off to the latest pictures of Snooki while listening to the newest Lady Gaga CD because "you're literally to stupid to insult." (see what I did there?)

It has been brought to my attention by a few of my friends that, while I'm sitting around on the couch working my unemployment muscles, I could be multi-tasking by attempting to practice the use of my so-called college degree. So, the following is that attempt.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to use the comment section. I should warn you, that unless you are telling me how great I am or saying something really stupid you're probably going to get ignored. But, if you have a valid point I'd be happy to mock your opinion while belittling your intelligence.

Don't bother correcting me on spelling or grammatical errors. It's a blog, not a term paper. I don't care and you need to get laid.

Well I think that about covers it for my very first blog. I'm giddy with anticipation at all the potential responses and google search hits. I should be a millionaire by next Tuesday.

Night all, look forward to talking to you again soon.