I feel like I should preface part 2 by saying that I don't feel like I'm in the worst situation in the world. There are millions of people who have it much worse than I do and to whom these stories and circumstances seem trivial. I am aware of that; however, it doesn't change how these circumstances have altered my life. This post is about the regrets I have and introspection that I've gained through the last couple of years with regards to my own life. It is not an attempt to one-up or overshadow those who have real problems.
This is meant to be a catharsis for myself and hopefully an interesting story for you to read. I am focusing on my involvement in these stories more than those of the people around me. This is not intended to cast blame or judgment upon them. Any attempt to do so would be unjust. I don't feel that it is my place to tell their side of it. I can only tell mine.
We left off with me moving into my father's house and starting my new position at my new store.
As you can probably imagine I didn't get a great night's sleep the night of the move. I left my mattress with A and had to resort to sleeping on a 20 year old twin size mattress, that had been stored in the garage, on the floor of my father's spare bedroom. But, I tried to wake up, put on a brave face and show up to my new store to meet my new GM (for the first time) ready to work.
My first few days were uneventful at work and not worth talking about. I didn't feel I was giving it my best, but it was all I had left. I was destroyed emotionally and mentally, and those two growing neurosis were taking a toll on me physically. It was an amazingly tough period of time for me. I pride myself on my mental toughness and my use of logic and reason. I was unable to be logical, or reasonable, and that in itself was enough to drive me insane. I felt like I couldn't get control of my brain or my emotions regardless of how I tried. The more I tried to control myself, the worse my breakdowns became. I felt out of control.
To this point, I would like to take a second to thank J for all the help he gave me during this time. He has been a great friend to me and although there was little he could do to lessen the pain he took great care in listening to me rant and rave to the point of insanity. He provided a sounding board for the relentless onslaught of anger, and pain that was raging through me.
I should also probably take a second to apologize to J and to the other people around me for being an unbearable prick during this time period. I'm sure it wasn't easy to listen to me go on and on and on about A and how miserable I was and how much I blamed and hated her. It was hard to leave the topic alone when even things that had nothing to do with us reminded me of her. Things that tied us together were cause for an almost instant outburst. I tried to not put our mutual friends in a position of having to choose sides. I hope that I succeeded in limiting that as much as possible and if I did a poor job, I apologize. Given my shattered mental state I'm, in retrospect, sure that I did a poor job of this.
There were a few things in which I began to take shelter from the hailstorm that was my brain. J was an immense help. My father and brother were also of great help. They listened patiently while I bitched and moaned and it was my brother that first got me back into working out. I took refuge in the gym which turned out to be a great source of release for me. I took to killing myself night after night under the fluorescent lights as a way to channel the anger. And, I'm happy to say, I managed to lose almost 30lbs in the matter of a few months. The weight loss was almost a by-product but it has helped me get some self confidence back. And although my progress has slowed dramatically of late, it is a habit that I have continued throughout the last year. A habit that I plan on refocusing my resolve on in the future.
Baby steps....
But, the one thing that helped me more than any other was the re-emergence of an old flame into my life. I don't know exactly what made me call her. I only know that it turned out to be the best decision that I had made in recent history. She was a god send. She made me feel wanted again. She did more to restore my confidence than any amount of weight loss could ever. She was going through some tough times of her own and was more than understanding at my moodiness and never once got impatient with me when I spoke of A, which was often.
She helped me through an extremely tough time in my life. Regardless of how things are now, and what arguments and problems we may have, I can never thank her enough for that.
It could have been the start of something great, but once again I got in my own way. I knew I was vulnerable and that a single word from A could send me spiraling downward once again. And as such I viewed it as unfair to try to give too much of myself to (for the sake on continued anonymity, let's call her Q) Q. I was trying to be fair to her. I didn't want to risk hurting the person whom had done so much for me as of late. I knew that A had to but say the word and I would've gone running right back to her side, leaving Q alone.
In the interim Q and I had a great couple of months together. We laughed and joked more easily than I had in months. Even when A and I were still together, by the end, there was no laughter. Q and I went places together and did things. My family loved her and she got along great with everyone else in my life. Work was getting better, and at my new location I wasn't hating my job as much. It wasn't consuming me as it had at the Castleton location. I was starting to feel better about everything. However, I still continued to warn Q that I was damaged and that I didn't think I could be trusted with her heart.
I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying to protect her, although I was simultaneously being selfish by not either letting her go or giving her more of myself. I knew I couldn't let her go, but I didn't think I could give her what she deserved. Ironically, it was this guarded stance that I took with her that ended up driving us apart. And I didn't know how much I was going to miss her until we too fell apart.
She had taken my advice, much to my chagrin, and kept her guard up. Finally it became too much and we split.
We still talked on a regular basis but the relationship had become strained. We couldn't understand each other anymore. And it wasn't until I was starting to lose her that I realized how much I wanted her to stay. I tried to express this to her but all she heard was me telling her to keep her distance, to not trust me. Once again, in a matter of months, I was driving myself crazy because I had lost someone whom I had so recently had. (Jesus, that's a terrible way of putting it, but I'm feeling at a loss of any better way of describing it)
At this point A had become part of my past. She was no longer part of my future, and I didn't want her to be. I can't claim that I didn't still think about her. But the emotions surrounding her departure were fading. I was moving on. There was only Q, and regardless of my past mistakes I was going to win her back.
It took months of calls and texts and arguments but I finally got the chance to get her back into my life. Around the beginning of the new year we began dating again. And just as if we had never stopped, we picked up right where we left off and things were great. Amazingly so. Our past transgressions upon one another were forgiven and forgotten.
During the time of our separation I had been given the news that I was to be transferred yet again, back to the Castleton location. This would have been good news except that it was another overnight notice on a transfer for which I was given no compensation. Back to Castleton I went. Back to the long hours, the stress, the chaos.
For those of you who don't know (most of you, I'd imagine) the difference between the Castleton and Plainfield stores is massive. Castleton does roughly 7x the sales and 2x the deliveries of Plainfield, yet has the same amount of employees. Makes sense right? Welcome to corporate America. The pressure on the management staff from the store itself and from the GM of that location is unimaginable. I could write volumes about the stress and pressure of that store, but trust me, you wouldn't want to read it. Suffice it to say that it sucks....bad.
But throughout the transition Q and I were able to maintain our relationship. We made time for each other whenever possible. We made it work even though time and distance were against us once again. For a short few months things were great. Until, once again, I made a mess of things.
Work was manageable, and Q and I were doing well. I even managed to get approved for a mortgage and buy the house that I had been striving after for the last two years. The only problem was that in my desire to get my own house, I over-extended myself financially. I wasn't over leveraged greatly, but enough that things became a little tight. I was still adjusting to a single income household when I had been living in a dual income household for so long. In my haste, I may have made a mistake.
Q and I were doing well but had only been back together for a couple of months and with our tumultuous recent history I didn't feel comfortable asking her to move in. But, as a financial stop gap, I needed a roommate. Unfortunately, my social circle had been cut down to almost nothing over the last few years and with my brothers all having steady living situations I was left without many options for a roommate.
I made a decision and asked a female friend of mine if she wanted to move in. I knew Q would be.....unhappy.....with the decision but I made it anyway. Now, some of you are thinking that I'm the stupidest person in the world right about now and you're probably right. In my defense, I didn't even view the roommate as female. She was just a roommate. She was someone to pay half the bills whom I would rarely see because of our conflicting work schedules. As you might guess, Q didn't see it that way.
Once I realized how much the decision I made was going to hurt our relationship I called said potential roommate and we agreed that it would probably be a better decision for her to not move in. I tried to stop it, I tried to repair the damage I had done. But, it was too late. She left me again.
There is much more I could say on this topic. I could go on for days about my though processes of why I didn't ask Q to move in and how a female roommate didn't seem like a big deal to me. You're are going to make and keep the opinions you develop regardless of what I say. I saw/see it as a financial decision. Most of the people who have heard this story only hear the word FEMALE and can't see it any other way.
Q and I fell apart quickly after the roommate debacle. I was once again, due in large part to the decisions I had made, alone. I had pissed away another relationship because I can't seem to let my emotions have their say. Like I said, I pride myself on my logic and self control. I couldn't justify taking a leap of that magnitude and because I was so gun shy, I let an amazing woman walk right out of my life.
So there I was, 8 months removed from my break up with A and I'm enduring yet another break up with Q. As in any situation like this there are a number of small factors that add up to the sum total but the only common denominator is.....me.
As a result, I was left with work as my only relationship. I redoubled my efforts and became more and more engrossed in a job that I held with great disdain because it was all I had left. I became dependent upon the thing that I, deep down, blamed for ruining my chances at a most of what life has to offer. Much as an alcoholic sinks deeper into the bottle as a refuge from the life that the bottle had ruined, I dove headlong into my work.
As I took on more and more responsibilities, my co-managers became more and more dependent upon me. They took time off, and were called away to run other locations leaving me the sole person in charge of a 10 million dollar per year store. To make matters worse, the other assistant at the Castleton location put in his notice and left the company. M was the only person I felt I could count on to help lessen the load. He was a good co-worker and a good friend. The store never really recovered from losing him.
Even after M left I would not admit that the work load was too much. I would never say that I needed help or that there were things I couldn't do. I couldn't bring myself to show, what I considered to be, weakness. I could do it...all of it...bring it on.
Over the summer I briefly dated a girl who was sweet and funny and who could cook like nobody's business. But, it too fell apart in short order. I was married to my work and, in all honesty, had yet to fully give up on Q. It had been months since we had seen each other but I couldn't forget her, as much as I tried. Once again I threw myself into my work.
I allowed myself to be taken advantage of out of some sense of responsibility to my position. Somewhere out there are people who were getting very rich off of the work that I had done. All I know is that it wasn't me. Don't get me wrong, they took advantage of my ability and my willingness to take on any task. But, a good portion of the blame falls on me. I allowed them to do so.
Regardless of fault or blame the outcome was the same. Work was becoming too much. It had taken too much out of me and given too little in return. I had given my life to my job and in return I was over worked, and lied to. I had been given rave reviews from every GM that I had worked for and from most employees that had worked for me. I was constantly told that I was being groomed to take over my own store. I was fed line after line and after 18mo of ridiculous hours and stressful working conditions I was finally promised an 8% raise....and was promptly given 5%.
I had taken a pay cut to take the managerial position. I had been passed up on my original raise (because I was still "too new" at the position), and had been transferred twice without compensation. I had worked more hours and taken on more responsibility than anyone in our market (Assistant or GM). A 60 hour work week had become my light week and I was rarely given both, if any, days off. I played the good soldier for 18 months and I was rewarded by being promised a raise of $3,000 and given a raise of $2,400. Our store made a net profit of over $130,000 in the month of March alone yet they couldn't pony up the complete, if meager, raise that I was promised.
I'm not saying I was a perfect manager. There were things that I needed to work on. Some of those things needed quite a lot of work. But, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I was a damn good manager and I worked as hard as anyone at that company ever has and I was rewarded with lip service and more work.
Who knows? Maybe I'm just playing the martyr. Maybe there's something about my personality that doesn't translate well to retail management.
It became painfully apparent that I needed to make some changes in my life. My personal life was a wreck and my professional life was becoming the butt of a bad joke. So I set out to find a new job and begin a new chapter of my life. The current one had become stale.
I looked back at the mistakes I had made over the twilight of my 20s and decided that if changes were to be made they needed to start with me. It is a hard thing, to look back at yourself and your decisions and attempt to view them in the daylight, to turn them over and look at the pot marks and imperfections. It is tough to admit your mistakes and tougher still to view them with the honesty it takes to recognize that a change must be made. It is a bitter pill to swallow but without introspection how can you hope to change?
Change is not something that happens overnight. It is a tough and arduous process. Life is not a fairy take or a Lifetime movie. You don't wake up one morning to find that it was all a dream and that your actual life is everything you had hoped and wished for. There are no Snow Whites or Prince Charmings.
Life is about the choices you make. If you want to change, makes sure that every decision is one that brings you one step closer to the person you want to be. Regardless of what anyone says, the most powerful person in your life is you.
I have realized recently that I cannot blame other people for my shortcomings. I cannot place the responsibility of my life on anyone but me. I have found a new job and have started the long road to becoming the man that I want to be. I'm sure I will continue to stumble and make mistakes. I can only hope that the mistakes I make will not be repeats of the ones I have made in the past.
Thank you to everyone who has had an impact on my life, both positive and negative. Without you I wouldn't be the person I am today. I am flawed. But, I strive to be better.
So here's to the passing of the 3rd decade of my life. Cheers. This will be the last time I look upon the mistakes I've made with scorn or regret. I only hope that I will learn from them and strive to make myself a better person for that. My 20s are coming to a close, my life is not.
#pretentiousmuch?
Thank you for reading. I hope it kept you entertained.
Cody Morris
